Thursday, May 15, 2008

Something Has Clicked

Several years ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I was a very slim and svelte young man. A young dad, two jobs, college classes at night, and yet I still had enough energy to arise every morning at 4:30 to exercise. When I was my slimmest, I averaged a weekly total of 30 jogged miles, and as many or more walked or hiked. I remember the endorphin rush each and every day, and the high would last me long enough to do everything I set my sights upon.

Me: 1998

Age: 28
Height: 6'2"

Chest/waist: 50/34

Weight: 220

Hair: Yes

Well, life situations changed (life actually became a living hell), and my "hot young daddy" body fell into disrepair. Fast forward a few more years, and I was basically living off of a diet that consisted heavily of vodka & mtn. dew, and lots of other 'junk'. I had experienced a very nasty divorce, which in actuality was not as bad as the 7 year marriage that preceded it. The quality of my life had become over-run with obstacles that I could no longer maneuver. Finances were spiraling out of control, job security waxed and waned with the moon, and in all my good judgement, I had decided that I would now finally come out of the closet. Little did I know that some of the biggest challenges of my life wre yet to come, despite feeling like finally living true to self would set me upon a road to happiness.
My life was upside down, and my health was taking a very serious turn for the worse. It was Easter of 2003 when I got my real wake-up call, and it was this photo taken of me with my sisters:

In four short years, the person who looked back at me in the mirror was a complete stranger. Seventy pounds can squash just about any person's will. Problem was... my will had already been through so much, that I simply didn't have the energy to do anything about it. All I could think of was the fact that not too long ago, I had been near single digit bodyfat percentage... without worrying a thing about what I ate! But the bigger kicker was how embarrased I was about myself at a time when I was very vulnerable, and still learning the ropes of this new gay world.
Looking back at all of it now, I feel I have come full circle. I joined a gym this spring and have been enjoying it tremendously. I haven't quite been able to completely quit smoking yet, but I do now watch what I eat, and do not really drink that much anymore. As of this week, I finally am beginning to feel like I did many years ago. I again, arise before 5 am, and make my way to the gym. I love every moment of it. In fact, I'm heading there now. All this week, I've gone back for seconds in the afternoons. I am trying as hard as I can, as hard as I am able, to find that "hot daddy" body again. I know I'll find him. In fact this time, he will be even better than he was before.
Damn, this has been one long-as-hell road to get to this point, and I feel as if I've paid my share of dues along the way. But I'm glad I am here again. I don't quite have as much work ahead of me as I did in the fat picture, but I know I can do it again. I had doubted it for so long.
I love my life again.

1 comment:

Marieke said...

Good for you Alan! The pounds will start dropping, but its all about FEELING good! And the smoking will come too, you cant do everything at once!
We miss you guys as always. Hope you have a great birthday tomorrow. I will email you in the day.
Kisses from Tejas