Something Has Clicked

Several years ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I was a very slim and svelte young man. A young dad, two jobs, college classes at night, and yet I still had enough energy to arise every morning at 4:30 to exercise. When I was my slimmest, I averaged a weekly total of 30 jogged miles, and as many or more walked or hiked. I remember the endorphin rush each and every day, and the high would last me long enough to do everything I set my sights upon.

Me: 1998

Age: 28

Height: 6'2"

Chest/waist: 50/34

Weight: 220

Hair: Yes

Well, life situations changed (life actually became a living hell), and my "hot young daddy" body fell into disrepair. Fast forward a few more years, and I was basically living off of a diet that consisted heavily of vodka & mtn. dew, and lots of other 'junk'. I had experienced a very nasty divorce, which in actuality was not as bad as the 7 year marriage that preceded it. The quality of my life had become over-run with obstacles that I could no longer maneuver. Finances were spiraling out of control, job security waxed and waned with the moon, and in all my good judgement, I had decided that I would now finally come out of the closet. Little did I know that some of the biggest challenges of my life wre yet to come, despite feeling like finally living true to self would set me upon a road to happiness.

My life was upside down, and my health was taking a very serious turn for the worse. It was Easter of 2003 when I got my real wake-up call, and it was this photo taken of me with my sisters:

In four short years, the person who looked back at me in the mirror was a complete stranger. Seventy pounds can squash just about any person's will. Problem was... my will had already been through so much, that I simply didn't have the energy to do anything about it. All I could think of was the fact that not too long ago, I had been near single digit bodyfat percentage... without worrying a thing about what I ate! But the bigger kicker was how embarrased I was about myself at a time when I was very vulnerable, and still learning the ropes of this new gay world.

Looking back at all of it now, I feel I have come full circle. I joined a gym this spring and have been enjoying it tremendously. I haven't quite been able to completely quit smoking yet, but I do now watch what I eat, and do not really drink that much anymore. As of this week, I finally am beginning to feel like I did many years ago. I again, arise before 5 am, and make my way to the gym. I love every moment of it. In fact, I'm heading there now. All this week, I've gone back for seconds in the afternoons. I am trying as hard as I can, as hard as I am able, to find that "hot daddy" body again. I know I'll find him. In fact this time, he will be even better than he was before.

Damn, this has been one long-as-hell road to get to this point, and I feel as if I've paid my share of dues along the way. But I'm glad I am here again. I don't quite have as much work ahead of me as I did in the fat picture, but I know I can do it again. I had doubted it for so long.

I love my life again.